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Posts Tagged ‘psychology’

All of us have difficult times. None of us would live the fairy tale –to live happily ever after. Problems are everywhere. Even more, before we can solve one, another might come already. Indeed, this is my opinion, yet I am not sure someone would doubt it.

Our instinct always leads us to find ways to survive. Instantly, we would look for solutions. We would strive. But, inevitably, problems come without permission. Sometimes, it feels like we face a never-ending-problem.

Instantly, whenever we are in that condition, we would need encouragement. We looked for supports. We need someone, ears and shoulders. Logically, it is acceptable to burst out whenever we are in an under pressure situation.  Normally, we need to let it out and –might be– loud.

Natural but exceptional.

There were times when we really want to be comforted by others. Simple words, even the most monotonous could help. Just a short message on your mobile could be valuable too. Try to use applications on social media, opening the fortune cookie, possibly will make us relaxed a little. Anything that can assure us that we are not alone.

That this too shall pass.

However, it seems that this world is getting messier. The people get busier. Public demands more. Colleagues add up occupations. True friends are in demand. It is us, by ourselves. These might be true, but also might only be an illusion. We perceive that they are busy and could not be disturbed. That they need more time for their matters instead of for ours.

Therefore, it creates a dissonant in our minds. We want to be accompanied, we need companion. Yet, we would not want to be seen as additional weights, add more than what the prospect companions have. We need them but we also care with them.

Sometimes, it just feels right to keep all the things by ourselves. Sometimes, we would not want to bother others with our concerns. Sometimes, we just too tired to talk and share. Sometimes, we just want to be accompanied yet feel too tired to explain.

Not because we could cope by ourselves. Not because we are very optimistic. Neither because the problems would fade away by the time. We are also not superhumans. None of those.

Most of the times, we are afraid to be neglected.

We are scared that they would disregard our problems. Abandon our stories. Or worse, take a pity on us. Insolence our dignity.

Baldo by Hector D. Cantu and Carlos Castellanos on 02 Feb 2012 (from http://www.gocomics.com)

Are these ridiculous?

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It has been twelve years. Yesterday, I wrote and have published – [hurts, yet ought not to be forgotten] what I saw and experience on that day. I described what were happened on that day, according to me. It is based on my own experiences. Last year, I also have expressed what I think about the same day. The post is in Bahasa that is titled [amnesia kolektif] – collective amnesia. I argue how people and the nation, seem to get used to forget the past. No matter how barbaric, there is a tendency amongst people to ‘let we forget’.

After these years, there is still no further explanation on what really happened according to the government. There was a Joint Fact Finding Team – Tim Gabungan Pencari Fakta. This team tried to get the facts and they even have made recommendations. The report can be attained at Semanggi Peduli. They did it greatly, though they were only given  a three-months working period. They have put the numbers of victims, yet I believe that the iceberg phenomenon does apply. They said that the first-hand-victims were lots of Chinese Indonesians, though were not the only. Lots of loss. Kidnapped people. They have recommended that the government needs to continue the investigation to get details including the real intention and who were responsible. Unfortunately, I have no idea how the government reacts to this report.

I understand that to reveal any barbaric events would be hard as look for a tiny needle in a haystack. I understand that the barbaric events couldn’t be helped as it was – might – highly related with the most current politics situation. The chaotic situation. I understand that it would be harder for the victims to re-open their old wounds. I also understand that there is a myth – including amongst Chinese Indonesians – that people should go forward and forget the past. That no matter how hurts they were, they should move forward, continue their lives.  Indeed, related with the commonly spoken quote: ‘the show must goes on’.  I even could understand, though it would be hard, if the key sources have been died for sometimes. Well, in twelve years, things might have happened.

To reveal the facts, will never be an easy job.Never ever will be. Especially if the facts are in the past. We might see how hard and how long that be needed by historians. So, I couldn’t agree with what I read last two days. There was a Minister who said that ‘it is a bit difficult’ as the reason to ‘no longer look for May riots culprits’.

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It has been twelve years ago, yet the pictures are still clear on my mind. If there is a high-tech projector which could directly projects those pictures from my brain, I believe it would be shown such a documentary film. I remember how my headmaster with no detail explanations directed us to go home early. It created quite a chaos. As she said that would be better to go home together with friends. Go home as soon as possible, as safe as possible. Ah ya, important to be noted, I went to a all-female-school and mobile phones were so luxurious.

At that time, I was used the shared-transportation with friends. Was confused, should I wait or go with ‘available’ transportations?! I chose the available transportation, friends who had been picked-up. I chose the one that would drop a friend in Pondok Indah, the nearest location to my house – compared to other choices. I forgot what really happened on our way, I remember how we got so terrified though we couldn’t understand what are happening. We thought that it was related with the killed university students two days earlier and the demonstration at the legislative area. That it was related with the politics. But we couldn’t really understand why.

I sensed that my identity as a Chinese-Indonesian woman might put me on risk. Since I was a girl, I have been realized that there are differences to be ‘coincidentally’ born as a Chinese in Indonesia. Was too naïve to understood the history and the politics. Yet, I hate whenever some people called me ‘amoy’ [which after sometimes I understand that it is a way to call a Chinese girl] or ‘Cina’ [Indonesian translation of China or Chinese people with highly consists of prejudice]. Couldn’t understood yet I never asked. Well, my friends, who actually come from different ethnics, never had problems related with my ethnic. It might because of the well-education parents [well-educated people do not associate with high education level], together with how naïve children are. Do not care about politics of power.

It hurts to remember, yet it ought not be forgotten

Back to May the 14th.

So I went off at Pondok Indah, it is around 20 minutes – without traffic way – to my home. Together with a Moslem friend, we headed to her aunt’s house. Yet as the house is only nearby Pondok Indah, we walked through a small street behind the residential complex. We could reach the house through the big street yet we’d suggested to not to. ABut we didn’t have other choices when the small street is ended, we should walk passed the big streets. I remember that we heard the scream and like-riots-related-sound. We went back to another way to hide. (more…)

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Is that so great to thirst of being the winner? Is it that great to always put others as your competitors?
Seriously, have you ever get tired?

Call me a looser, but yes, I do think that to always compete with others would be too tired and boredom for me. It would make my life so full of rage and hatred. And even now, while I was writing this post, only to imagine that situation, I feel tired.

Yeah, lectured me anything. Trust me, I would only consider it as a wishy-washy-comment.

I do understand the importance of competition attitude. I could write a bunch of benefits to have that attitude. I do agree that competition attitude might motivate us to pull out the best of us. That we would keep on learning, not only to improve what we have got but also to gain new knowledge and skills.

Meanwhile, according to me, the best way to live is to live life to the fullest. Hurray to hedonism! *evilish grin*

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This time, I want to talk about how great GOD is.
The last week, I felt like being hit by a world champion boxer.  Hmph, it might not the best illustration. As after any boxer has been hit by the opponent, he/she will get unconscious. So he/she might feel numb. Meanwhile, I was not feel that way.
I was angry and feel that I’ve got discriminated. I felt miserable and almost get depressed. There were a lot of emotions that I have. At the end, those make me feel so tiny and worthless. In fact, I should use the words ‘I feel’ instead of ‘I felt’ as whenever I remember the incident, I still feel the same way only with different level. Even now.
However, I will not share the incident but will focus on the positive impacts. Well, to bear in mind the positive points is much more important to build up the motivation. In brief, the incident is about how I be treated improperly. That I felt like being discriminated. To illustrate the pain, this incident does not only make me cried or angry. It has impacted on my self-image and self-esteem. It does make me depressed. The depression has outweighed the anger.
Further, with no intention to sensationalized, I even can feel how broken my heart is. Yet, the incident was far from one’s love life. For those who learn and/or understand about psychology, I did practice the avoidance coping. I really wanted to put those things as far as I could. I really wanted to go away to other continents, to not face the incident-related-future. I really did!
I was totally notice, how hard I had to push myself, my fingers to be on the keyboard. To type. And so was the brain. I had to dictate the brain to keep on working. To be sensible. To be sane. This helps me more than I need to know [in my opinion] how it feels to be pushed on doing things that you hate, but you don’t have other options.
Thus, I really learn that there are times when people do not really have the options. Previously, I do understand about this. That life is unfair. I do understand that disadvantaged situations might not always due to the people’s faults or even laziness. But, previously, that kind of understanding was only based on my empathy and knowledge on social issues.
But now, I do more understand and have more empathy with this kind of situation. But, I wouldn’t push people too much to be persistent with what they have started but don’t like. Though I still believe that we should be responsible on what we have started, with our decisions. But I have more tolerance on those who have to put aside things that they don’t like even they have to break their promise. Yet, I am not talking about marriage.
Meantime, as I pushed myself to concentrate and be rational instead of emotional, I put rationalism as the way of coping. In fact, I use this frequently. I rationalize that I couldn’t give up as it will fulfill what the opponent wants. I couldn’t give up as I receive many supports and couldn’t fail those people who put their hopes on me. However, it is not enough. Yes, rationalism is not enough. It brings me to have doubt on myself. As I said previously, it has impacted on my self esteem. To those who know me in person, it means that the incident is a totally horrible, as I am a hard-headed who rationalize almost everything. Therefore, I commit more on religious coping.
Well, I use it frequently too, but usually in the same proportion. I usually make a good balance between rationalism and religious copings to face the problems. This time, every rational points of thinking have failed me. I couldn’t think any rational reasons behind the incident except ‘everything happens for reason’ and it relates to GOD’s will. Nothing else. I couldn’t think other explanations. Usually, although I always hold that faith consistently, I am always able to see the bigger picture, to get a sense of explanation. This time, all I can think was only GOD knows why.
Yet, I have a sense what I should learn from this incident. As I always believe that ‘nothing is a coincidence’, I am being more sensitive on noticing motivational words. In fact, those are religious coincidences.
I played a playlist of religious songs in shuffled mode. Then, the list played the songs which related with what I need, surrender to GOD’s will. When I read the daily devotion, again, they state about GOD’s will. When I opened the Bible in random, the verses talk the same thing. All of those reminds me to have more faith on GOD’s will. That, HIS shall be done and not mine. No matter how difficult or hard they are, it has written in my life, the cross of mine.
These are some verses that ‘coincidentally’ reflect on what has happened to me. How those verses and devotional article strengthen me to keep on standing. However, I would not share all of them, but some which highly related to what I have experienced.
NIV’s [New International Version] devotion on Wednesday is titled ‘walking with GOD’. It states that:
‘this personal attitude toward GOD what we call devotion to GOD. But it is always devotion in action. It is not just a warm, emotional feeling about GOD, the kind of feeling we may get while singing some grand old hymn of praise or some-modern day chorus of worship…it is an attitude toward GOD.’
It is clearly related with my situation, and so does the previous three days’ devotions. I was in the midst of uncertainty, learned helplessness.
NIV’s devotion on Friday is title ‘fools for Christ’. It states that:
‘…Sacrifice is not giving up things, but giving to God with joy the best we have…means the surrendering of the miserable sense of my own unimportance…–not, do you know what GOD is going to do? You cannot know, but you have faith in HIM and therefore HE can do what HE likes.’
It reminds me to learn to that the glory has to be His instead of mine. That I, as HIS creature, should surrender by HIS will. That being considered as a fool by others might has different intention, according to HIS.
Amongst those NIV’s devotions, the weekend is being the most encouraging for me.
‘To wait on GOD is to struggle and sometimes to fail. Sometimes the failures teach us more than the successes. For the failures teach us that to wait on GOD is not only to wait for his mercy, but to wait by his mercy…The glory hidden in our failures is the discovery that the very thing we wait for is what we wait by! The success of our waiting lies not in who we are, but in who GOD is. It is not our strength that will pull us through to the end, it is God’s amazing grace and mercy.’
I cried [again] when I read this. All that I can do with the incident is just wait. There is nothing that I can do, except to try my best and put the rest on HIM. However, I usually put my will above HIS. I realized that I have to learn more about surrendering. And in fact, that is all that I can do. To surrender.
When I randomly open the Bible with a deep breath… God really ‘talks’ to me. Amongst those verses, I opened the pages which contain Psalm 91 to Psalm 94. Psalm 91 talks about under the GOD’s protection. Psalm 92 talks about GOD, the righteousness judge. Psalm 93 talks about GOD, the eternal king. And Psalm 94 talks about GOD, the righteousness fortress. These all have boosted my emotion. Those really comforted. As far as I remember, the first chapter that I saw is Psalm 94. With a deep breath, I read it through.
‘He is my refuge and my fortress, my GOD, in whom I trust.’ [Psalm 91:2]
‘The Lod is upright; he is my Rock, and there is no wickedness in him.’ [Psalm 92:15]
‘He will repay them for their sins and destroy them for their wickedness; the Lod our GOD will destroy them.’ [Psalm 94:23]
And yesterday, I did that again. To open the Bible in random. Guess what I was leading me into? It was the page of Psalm 64 and Psalm 65. I read the Psalm 64 as somehow I sensed that way.
‘Hear me, O God, as I voice my complaint; protect my life from the threat of the enemy. Hide me from the conspiracy of the wicked, from that noisy crowd of evildoers. ’ [Psalm 64:1-2].
Not to mention the websites that I read on those days. One of it is titled ‘Learning humility: Not every flower can be a rose’. The author reminds us that each of us has our own roles. To be
A heart that is humble rests confidently in His mercy and love, and has no fear of being little or unnoticed, nor any need for adulation. He may be walking with the red rose in His hand, smelling its sweet fragrance, but He will also lie down on the grass that is covered in a bed of small wildflowers, and He will rest His head on their simple beauty, enjoying their soft comfort. I can think of nothing sweeter than to be that wild flower that’s pressed close to His heart as He lies down to rest. That is all my soul really longs for.
And yesterday, I read a daily devotion which said that ‘God often digs wells of joy with the spade of sorrow’. I think those proofs are more than enough to share. As believe it or not, the words are keep on coming. Not only from the Bible, website or other articles; but also through friends. They unpredictably said things that beyond expectation. They have pointed things that highly related although they don’t have knowledge on what had happened to me in details. Well, that’s amazing.
So, at the end, one conclusion that I have is put your life under GOD’s will is too d**n difficult. Yet, HIS understanding is beyond what we could imagine. Just hold the faith, keep it without doubt.

Last week, I felt like being hit by a world champion boxer. Hmph, it might not the best illustration. As after any boxer has been hit by the opponent, he/she will get unconscious. So he/she might feel numb. Meanwhile, I was not feel that way.

I was angry and feel that I’ve got discriminated. I felt miserable and almost get depressed. There were a lot of emotions. At the end, those make me feel so tiny and worthless. In fact, I should use the words ‘I feel’ instead of ‘I felt’ as whenever I remember the incident, I still feel the same way only with different level. Even now.

In brief, the incident is about how I be treated improperly. That I felt like being discriminated. To illustrate the pain, this incident does not only make me cried or angry. It has impacted on my self-image and self-esteem. It does make me depressed. The depression has outweighed the anger. However, I will not share the incident but will focus on what I’ve learned. Well, I’ve learned some things, but these are some of them. And to bear in mind the positive points is much more important to build up the motivation.

Further, with no intention to sensationalized, I even can feel how broken my heart is. Yet, the incident was far from one’s love life. For those who learn and/or understand about psychology, I did practice the avoidance coping. I really wanted to put those things as far as I could. I really wanted to go away to other continents, to not face the incident-related-future. I really did [and still do]!

I was totally notice, how hard I had to push myself, my fingers to be on the keyboard. To type. And so was the brain. I had to dictate the brain to keep on working. To be sensible. To be sane. This helps me more than I need to know [in my opinion] how it feels to be pushed on doing things that you hate, but you don’t have other options.

Thus, I really learn that there are times when people do not really have the options. Previously, I do understand about this. That life is unfair. I do understand that disadvantaged situations might not always due to the people’s faults or even laziness. But, previously, that kind of understanding was only based on my empathy and knowledge on social issues.

But now, I do more understand and have more empathy with this kind of situation. But, I wouldn’t push people too much to be persistent with what they have started but don’t like. Though I still believe that we should be responsible on what we have started, with our decisions. But I have more tolerance on those who have to put aside things that they don’t like even they have to break their promise. Yet, I am not talking about marriage.

Meantime, as I pushed myself to concentrate and be rational instead of emotional, I put rationalism as the way of coping. In fact, I use this frequently. I rationalize that I couldn’t give up as it will fulfill what the opponent wants. I couldn’t give up as I receive many supports and couldn’t fail those people who put their hopes on me. However, it is not enough. Yes, rationalism is not enough. It brings me to have doubt on myself. As I said previously, it has impacted on my self esteem. To those who know me in person, it means that the incident is a totally horrible, as I am a hard-headed who rationalize almost everything. Therefore, I commit more on religious coping.

Well, I use it frequently too, but usually in the same proportion. I usually make a good balance between rationalism and religious copings to face the problems. This time, every rational points of thinking have failed me. I couldn’t think any rational reasons behind the incident except ‘everything happens for reason’ and it relates to GOD’s will. Nothing else. I couldn’t think other explanations. Usually, although I always hold that faith consistently, I am always able to see the bigger picture, to get a sense of explanation. This time, all I can think was only GOD knows why.

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The new semester that has just begun urge me to read quite lot philosophical background of the specified subject. I still can’t enjoy it. I do like philosophical things. What I couldn’t enjoy is the chronological plot that has been used by the writers. They explain one thing then describe it a little and compared directly with other approaches. Yes, somehow this way is more practical but it makes me confused. They get used to jump here and there. And what make it harder, they use a lot of references for one thing, though I do understand that they do that in order to avoid plagiarism …

Anyway…
One of something that I learn is about the truth. Whether the truth is really true?!! This is an important issue, especially in the social sciences. And since daily life is full of social issues, this is also an important thing for life.

The truth, at certain points, consists of judgments. The judgment itself can be divided into two parts, what happens and what ought to. It means that the things that we see are sometimes not the way they are.

To make it simpler, everyday, we see a lot of things. Things did happen. We (ought to) experience a lot! Unfortunately, it seems that we don’t have enough time to do that. We are busy with those obligations. We wake up, take a bath and other personal things, eat three times a day (might be more or less), work, sleep. And so on. We keep on doing almost the same thing. Sometimes, I feel afraid that the future might be something like what some movies had showed. The last one, Wall-e.

We forget to see things closer. We think, the most important thing is to do ours. Keep on walking fast, sleep while on our ways, and eat with reading newspaper/magazine, and so on. We always think that we are busy people. Busy and busy… The life is becoming harder and harder. Find a lot of excuses to work overtime, to make houses to be like bed & breakfast motels.
Though time does fly!!!

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This story is based on my own experience, happened a few weeks ago. Yupes, a few weeks ago. Just don’t have time to type it here.

First of all, I’ll tell you the context of it. I am studying applied social research. I admit that it is a unpopular choice, especially those from my country. After I said it, there are four options of reaction. One, they said “What is that?”. Two, “Ooo…” with a blank-anxious-face. Three, “Wow, great”. The third one occurs because they never heard about it, not because they really feel so. And last, starting the conversation which are related with the subject, but only a few did this – those who can understand what it is all about.

I learn how to make a good social research, the whole process. Starting from how to identify the social problems and form the researchs’ questions, to the analysis and further social interventions. Why I chose it? Because I already made a decision, that I will keep my interest on non-profit sector. I love to do something, not only for money. I have academic and professional backgrounds that will support me on research matters. And I believe that research should be the basic of every social interventions. Because humanitarian aids don’t suppose to be a lifetime dependency. The aids have to help the community but they also have to maintain the sustainability. This is important, because the aids are only temporary supports.

That’s enough I think.
So back to the case.

I had a chat with a friend, nothing special. Only to updating our current situations.
The chat was fine until my friend popped-up with a question that I perceived as an offended one.

“So how is your school?”
“Err…?”
“Yeah, taking overseas classes…”
“Oh.. Language always be the main problem.”
“Does it easy?”
“Like usual.. Nothing is easy at school.”
“Well, what I mean is.. Like in IT, the difficulties are the numbers. The mathematical things. How about yours? What makes it so difficult, with your subject?”

Hmph…
My brain worked fast…
What did she mean? Did she choose wrong words, so she said something unintentionally?

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