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Posts Tagged ‘disappointed’

All of us have difficult times. None of us would live the fairy tale –to live happily ever after. Problems are everywhere. Even more, before we can solve one, another might come already. Indeed, this is my opinion, yet I am not sure someone would doubt it.

Our instinct always leads us to find ways to survive. Instantly, we would look for solutions. We would strive. But, inevitably, problems come without permission. Sometimes, it feels like we face a never-ending-problem.

Instantly, whenever we are in that condition, we would need encouragement. We looked for supports. We need someone, ears and shoulders. Logically, it is acceptable to burst out whenever we are in an under pressure situation.  Normally, we need to let it out and –might be– loud.

Natural but exceptional.

There were times when we really want to be comforted by others. Simple words, even the most monotonous could help. Just a short message on your mobile could be valuable too. Try to use applications on social media, opening the fortune cookie, possibly will make us relaxed a little. Anything that can assure us that we are not alone.

That this too shall pass.

However, it seems that this world is getting messier. The people get busier. Public demands more. Colleagues add up occupations. True friends are in demand. It is us, by ourselves. These might be true, but also might only be an illusion. We perceive that they are busy and could not be disturbed. That they need more time for their matters instead of for ours.

Therefore, it creates a dissonant in our minds. We want to be accompanied, we need companion. Yet, we would not want to be seen as additional weights, add more than what the prospect companions have. We need them but we also care with them.

Sometimes, it just feels right to keep all the things by ourselves. Sometimes, we would not want to bother others with our concerns. Sometimes, we just too tired to talk and share. Sometimes, we just want to be accompanied yet feel too tired to explain.

Not because we could cope by ourselves. Not because we are very optimistic. Neither because the problems would fade away by the time. We are also not superhumans. None of those.

Most of the times, we are afraid to be neglected.

We are scared that they would disregard our problems. Abandon our stories. Or worse, take a pity on us. Insolence our dignity.

Baldo by Hector D. Cantu and Carlos Castellanos on 02 Feb 2012 (from http://www.gocomics.com)

Are these ridiculous?

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During hard times, people always say “move forward” no matter on what kind of situation. Many other “formal” quotations will be said. Even for the people in the hard times themselves, they would look for those quotations too. Indeed, these are important to boosting back the courage and spirits to live.

Sometimes, sharing does matter too. To understand that others have problems –either bigger or smaller– is important. Not in the meaning that we hope that there are people with bigger problems to feel lucky. It is simply to know that all of us, no matter what, have different issues.

However, how if nothing works? That no quotations help, no sharing sessions can cure.

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Dalam satu bulan terakhir ini topik mengenai betapa masokis-nya orang-orang seperti saya muncul kembali. Konteks masokis disini adalah intelektual masokis. Apakah itu? Selengkapnya dapat dibaca di tulisan saya sebelumnya “intellectual-masochist”.

Sekilas kisahnya adalah, saya merasa telah menyusahkan diri sendiri. Menempuh pendidikan tingkat tinggi bukanlah suatu kewajiban bagi saya. Tidak pernah ada suatu kejadian yang mencetuskan bahwa S2 adalah wajib hukumnya. Tidak seperti beberapa rekan yang memang harus menempuh jalur tersebut demi karier di masa depan. Sementara, beberapa rekan, termasuk saya, jenjang S2 benar-benar suatu pilihan pribadi.

Mereka yang memilih dengan penuh kesadaran dan kebebasan ini bahkan mengambil risiko. Hal ini terkait dengan status pekerjaan. Saya misalnya. Pilihan ini diambil tanpa ada sponsor perusahaan atau organisasi apapun, kecuali tentunya penyandang dana. Di satu sisi, adalah hal yang menyenangkan karena tidak terikat kontrak dengan pihak mana pun. Bebas untuk memilih dan menentukan “jalan”. Namun di sisi lain, ketika persaingan untuk berkarya semakin padat, maka hal ini menjadi titik lemah. Menjelang akhir “perjuangan”, kecemasan ini semakin terasa seiring dengan pertanyaan-pertanyaan yang muncul.

Pertanyaan, apa rencana setelah lulus atau mau bekerja dimana setelah lulus semakin gencar ditanyakan. Dan pertanyaan serupa tapi tak sama itu dijawab dengan jawaban yang sejenis pula. Kisarannya tidak akan jauh dari “lihat nanti”, “tergantung siapa yang mau menampung” hingga “tau nih, pusing juga”. Jawaban tersebut akan diakhiri dengan pernyataan serupa: “jangan lupa informasinya ya”. Tidak ada kejelasan kemana hidup ini akan mengalir setelah fase pendidikan ini berakhir.

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Today is my birthday… The 27th.

The second one that I celebrated overseas.
I had fun on my birthday.
I didn’t nothing really special actually… I got a gift from by boyfriend. A box of chocolate and horse-figure glass. Last few days, a good friend of mine gave me half-egg-chocolate with greenish duck on it. My family asked my boyfriend to arrange a cake for me.
A lot of people  sent messages to me. Facebook, SMS or even thru phonecalls.

However, I also get disappointed.

Those networking thing, is a good one on bridging people whereever they are.
But, I love more the old version one.

I know that to type texts takes time. I couldn’t ask more than others’ precious time, could I? But then, at certain point, I thought that it is not as personal as SMS or phonecall are.

And so text message to mobile phone.
I prefer one’s own words than forwarded texts. It just more personal and I could get a grisp of what’ve been passed so far.

I do disappointed to certain people who are I consider as my bests. But some of them were only text me on Facebook. While I try my best to text them personally thru SMS. Yes, it takes certain amount of money, but ones’ birthday do not happen everyday. It is only once a year ocassion. Why we should bother about that?
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Please…
Don’t burn my wings…
Release them back to me…

I never gave them to you,
or even lent them to you.
You stole them from me,
with the magic of your power.

You just tear them…
one by one…
silently.

Do I have to be cruel?
And steal them back?

Don’t be jealous with me…
You gave your wings,
with high consciousness.

Then, why should I accompany you?
Why should you took mine?
Why you get angry when see other’s wings?

Seems like you have wings phobia.
Do you feel afraid to be alone?

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This story is based on my own experience, happened a few weeks ago. Yupes, a few weeks ago. Just don’t have time to type it here.

First of all, I’ll tell you the context of it. I am studying applied social research. I admit that it is a unpopular choice, especially those from my country. After I said it, there are four options of reaction. One, they said “What is that?”. Two, “Ooo…” with a blank-anxious-face. Three, “Wow, great”. The third one occurs because they never heard about it, not because they really feel so. And last, starting the conversation which are related with the subject, but only a few did this – those who can understand what it is all about.

I learn how to make a good social research, the whole process. Starting from how to identify the social problems and form the researchs’ questions, to the analysis and further social interventions. Why I chose it? Because I already made a decision, that I will keep my interest on non-profit sector. I love to do something, not only for money. I have academic and professional backgrounds that will support me on research matters. And I believe that research should be the basic of every social interventions. Because humanitarian aids don’t suppose to be a lifetime dependency. The aids have to help the community but they also have to maintain the sustainability. This is important, because the aids are only temporary supports.

That’s enough I think.
So back to the case.

I had a chat with a friend, nothing special. Only to updating our current situations.
The chat was fine until my friend popped-up with a question that I perceived as an offended one.

“So how is your school?”
“Err…?”
“Yeah, taking overseas classes…”
“Oh.. Language always be the main problem.”
“Does it easy?”
“Like usual.. Nothing is easy at school.”
“Well, what I mean is.. Like in IT, the difficulties are the numbers. The mathematical things. How about yours? What makes it so difficult, with your subject?”

Hmph…
My brain worked fast…
What did she mean? Did she choose wrong words, so she said something unintentionally?

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[wishy washy]

“Psstt…
Don’t tell anybody about this…
This is almost a top secret!
Really! I am serious about this…”

“O.. Okay.
Trust me.
I won’t tell anyone about this…”

Wishy Washy…
Wishy Washy…
(and there are the wisphered words fly away between them).

But then, do you ever see or even have experience with it?
That the seal was broken?
By the person her/himself or even by the person who got the news.

Do the words “secret” or “trust” still have power?
Do the sentence just a sentence which need to be announce but without any meaning at all?
Or the sentence “don’t tell anyone” is just like a welcoming mat at the door?
Which we can use to clean up ourselves from the dirt?

Pew…

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