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Posts Tagged ‘challenges’

All of us have difficult times. None of us would live the fairy tale –to live happily ever after. Problems are everywhere. Even more, before we can solve one, another might come already. Indeed, this is my opinion, yet I am not sure someone would doubt it.

Our instinct always leads us to find ways to survive. Instantly, we would look for solutions. We would strive. But, inevitably, problems come without permission. Sometimes, it feels like we face a never-ending-problem.

Instantly, whenever we are in that condition, we would need encouragement. We looked for supports. We need someone, ears and shoulders. Logically, it is acceptable to burst out whenever we are in an under pressure situation.  Normally, we need to let it out and –might be– loud.

Natural but exceptional.

There were times when we really want to be comforted by others. Simple words, even the most monotonous could help. Just a short message on your mobile could be valuable too. Try to use applications on social media, opening the fortune cookie, possibly will make us relaxed a little. Anything that can assure us that we are not alone.

That this too shall pass.

However, it seems that this world is getting messier. The people get busier. Public demands more. Colleagues add up occupations. True friends are in demand. It is us, by ourselves. These might be true, but also might only be an illusion. We perceive that they are busy and could not be disturbed. That they need more time for their matters instead of for ours.

Therefore, it creates a dissonant in our minds. We want to be accompanied, we need companion. Yet, we would not want to be seen as additional weights, add more than what the prospect companions have. We need them but we also care with them.

Sometimes, it just feels right to keep all the things by ourselves. Sometimes, we would not want to bother others with our concerns. Sometimes, we just too tired to talk and share. Sometimes, we just want to be accompanied yet feel too tired to explain.

Not because we could cope by ourselves. Not because we are very optimistic. Neither because the problems would fade away by the time. We are also not superhumans. None of those.

Most of the times, we are afraid to be neglected.

We are scared that they would disregard our problems. Abandon our stories. Or worse, take a pity on us. Insolence our dignity.

Baldo by Hector D. Cantu and Carlos Castellanos on 02 Feb 2012 (from http://www.gocomics.com)

Are these ridiculous?

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(while dragging the television box into the security check and lift) “There are taxies in the lobby”

(smiling) “But this lift can go directly to the basement too right?”

“ooh yes, the parking lot for motorcylces is at the basement second floor”

(smiling again)

Those conversation happened when my boyfriend and me bought a television. Obviously the salesman thought that we were a young couple (although we are not that young) who use public transportation. Or even if we went there with personal transportation, it would be a motorcycle. In other words, he did not (or does not?) classify us as “worth” enough to use any private car. Well, he did not wrong totally as we used the car from the company. We did not feel bothered too as the salesman did not say those words with negative expression as all of us might see on how the saleswomen/men in the sort-of-exclusive stores do. Well, we experience this sort of behaviour several times so it would not be that surprising anymore. We even observe this.

Afterwards, we laughed and smiled. We even still laugh on that event whenever we remember. It is understandable why he said that way. We wore polo shirts, jeans and sandals. We spent around half an hour only to think which kind of television that we will buy, of course, with making  comparison on prices and benefits. It might be too long for him. As the televisions that we were compared are not the luxurious ones (not those with eight digits Rupiahs). The standard ones! He might think that, “Gosh, they think that long only to buy this one standard television“. Social expectations.

A friend said to me, that whenever she go to department stores with her friends, they always play a little game. “The perfume sample” The game is very simple, whoever be offered of a piece of paper contains sprayed fragrance means that she is the one who wear clothes “properly”. That she is the targeted consumer.

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None of us loved to be ignored. None of us would not want to be taken care of. As a being who has been blessed with feelings, we will always looking for comfort and safetiness. We will always seek for love.
We will always seek for affection. I believe this is the foundation in every kind of relationship. So basic.

Whenever we feel be loved, no matter how hard life could be, we will get the courage and strength. No matter how difficult the situation is, love remains. Indeed, the power of love might sounds so patethic. Yet, it so true.
That love can be the reason to live and to die. Love can be the source of laughter, but also the tears.
Double-edged sword.

So, what would happen if we have not feel that we are beloved while we are facing huge problems? What would we feel, think and do? Would we still have the strength to live? The spirit to keep on struggling and fighting? Would we still be sane?

Well, I might not.

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Dalam satu bulan terakhir ini topik mengenai betapa masokis-nya orang-orang seperti saya muncul kembali. Konteks masokis disini adalah intelektual masokis. Apakah itu? Selengkapnya dapat dibaca di tulisan saya sebelumnya “intellectual-masochist”.

Sekilas kisahnya adalah, saya merasa telah menyusahkan diri sendiri. Menempuh pendidikan tingkat tinggi bukanlah suatu kewajiban bagi saya. Tidak pernah ada suatu kejadian yang mencetuskan bahwa S2 adalah wajib hukumnya. Tidak seperti beberapa rekan yang memang harus menempuh jalur tersebut demi karier di masa depan. Sementara, beberapa rekan, termasuk saya, jenjang S2 benar-benar suatu pilihan pribadi.

Mereka yang memilih dengan penuh kesadaran dan kebebasan ini bahkan mengambil risiko. Hal ini terkait dengan status pekerjaan. Saya misalnya. Pilihan ini diambil tanpa ada sponsor perusahaan atau organisasi apapun, kecuali tentunya penyandang dana. Di satu sisi, adalah hal yang menyenangkan karena tidak terikat kontrak dengan pihak mana pun. Bebas untuk memilih dan menentukan “jalan”. Namun di sisi lain, ketika persaingan untuk berkarya semakin padat, maka hal ini menjadi titik lemah. Menjelang akhir “perjuangan”, kecemasan ini semakin terasa seiring dengan pertanyaan-pertanyaan yang muncul.

Pertanyaan, apa rencana setelah lulus atau mau bekerja dimana setelah lulus semakin gencar ditanyakan. Dan pertanyaan serupa tapi tak sama itu dijawab dengan jawaban yang sejenis pula. Kisarannya tidak akan jauh dari “lihat nanti”, “tergantung siapa yang mau menampung” hingga “tau nih, pusing juga”. Jawaban tersebut akan diakhiri dengan pernyataan serupa: “jangan lupa informasinya ya”. Tidak ada kejelasan kemana hidup ini akan mengalir setelah fase pendidikan ini berakhir.

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For almost a year, I keep on thinking about what am I doing.

Being an international postgraduate student is one of my dreams. I dream it for years. I tried quite many times, failed again and again. So, I do thankful with my status now. Not because of the “international” matter, but it is more about a fulfilled dream. Especially in the financial issue.

But then…
Life is not a fairy tale. Once you reached your dreams, you have to keep on struggling. There always be something after anything.

Like now…
On my first semester…
I had quite lot anxiousness. I am neither a great English speaker nor writer.
The subject that I am doing is not a popular one, means that it would be harder to find information about how to succeeded in this subject, to learn from the seniors.
And, all of my colleagues are English native speakers.
As an addition, I have different academic background than the basic of this subject, not too far but it is still different.

Jeez..

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This story is based on my own experience, happened a few weeks ago. Yupes, a few weeks ago. Just don’t have time to type it here.

First of all, I’ll tell you the context of it. I am studying applied social research. I admit that it is a unpopular choice, especially those from my country. After I said it, there are four options of reaction. One, they said “What is that?”. Two, “Ooo…” with a blank-anxious-face. Three, “Wow, great”. The third one occurs because they never heard about it, not because they really feel so. And last, starting the conversation which are related with the subject, but only a few did this – those who can understand what it is all about.

I learn how to make a good social research, the whole process. Starting from how to identify the social problems and form the researchs’ questions, to the analysis and further social interventions. Why I chose it? Because I already made a decision, that I will keep my interest on non-profit sector. I love to do something, not only for money. I have academic and professional backgrounds that will support me on research matters. And I believe that research should be the basic of every social interventions. Because humanitarian aids don’t suppose to be a lifetime dependency. The aids have to help the community but they also have to maintain the sustainability. This is important, because the aids are only temporary supports.

That’s enough I think.
So back to the case.

I had a chat with a friend, nothing special. Only to updating our current situations.
The chat was fine until my friend popped-up with a question that I perceived as an offended one.

“So how is your school?”
“Err…?”
“Yeah, taking overseas classes…”
“Oh.. Language always be the main problem.”
“Does it easy?”
“Like usual.. Nothing is easy at school.”
“Well, what I mean is.. Like in IT, the difficulties are the numbers. The mathematical things. How about yours? What makes it so difficult, with your subject?”

Hmph…
My brain worked fast…
What did she mean? Did she choose wrong words, so she said something unintentionally?

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HUAAAA…

At March 31st, I was starting my EAP (English for Academic Purposes) due to my plan to continue my postgraduate degree. It holds Monday to Friday and 4 hours in minimum for each. This is quite a hard adaptation because I get used to wake up not too early in the morning. HeHeHe… So, this is the reason why I can’t post anything or blog-walking. *sigh*.

Back to the EAP.
Previously, I had put myself on IELTS test. I put the requirement as my goal, not too optimist actually because I have serious problem in grammar. Even one of my friend said implicitly that it is better for me to not post any blog because it would be a shame or sort of.

Anyway, I got a little more than what I need. Lucky me.
Therefore I only need attend a 6 weeks EAP, and can enroll my postgraduate degree afterwards. But, after weeks, guess that I am not that lucky.

Several tasks have been done, and the teacher put quite lot comments. During the speaking session, I am not as fluent as my colleagues. Writing? Jeez, a mess!

That’s why…
Maybe it would be better if I attend the 3 months or 6 months class? So I could learn more and more? To improve mine.

The other thing is I already accepted in my targeted faculty. It is great! Really.
But, at the same time, I have to prepare a lot!
My estimated date arrival is on May 21st 2008. It means, I only have less than a month!

I have to prepare all the things. From personal belongings, selected books, which I will bring with and find accommodation. I also have to hangout with friends because I don’t really have plan to go back before graduation. Gosh…

And I doubt my capabilities… I really do.
Self-doubt mode ON…

Guess that it relates to my tendency to be a perfectionist. Unfortunately, I am not a kind of dilligent one to reach the perfection. What a life!

Hmph…
Instead of all of those things, I feel motivated to go as soon as possible, because I really want to have a new experiences. Come to a new place offers great experiences that money can’t buy. Not only for travel, but also observe the other part of the world. To see and to feel. To communicate and make relations which hopefully can reduce our stereotyping point-of-view and throw-out our narrow-minded brain.

Exhilarated and frightened at the same time!

*Picture was taken from Microsoft’s Clip Art.

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