[melawan hiperealitas]

Dua minggu yang lalu adalah 81 tahun Sumpah Pemuda [dan Pemudi]. Saat itu, mereka mengucapkan janji setia terhadap negeri ini. Ikrar bahwa bangsa ini harus bersatu. Ikrar bahwa walau perbedaan itu ada, dua persamaan tetap ada. Satu tanah air dan satu bangsa. Selanjutnya, diwujudkan dengan memiliki bahasa persatuan.

Tujuh belas tahun setelahnya, Indonesia berhasil memproklamasikan kemerdekaannya. Apakah artinya negara ini merdeka setelah ‘dianggap’ dewasa dalam mempersatukan perbedaan yang ada?! Bahwa persatuan itu tidak berarti harus satu warna, namun dengan berbagai warna, mencapai suatu harmoni? Mengingat, perjuangan kemerdekaan tidak terpusat di satu titik saja. Setiap daerah, dengan pimpinan tokoh setempat, dengan kearifan budaya setempat, dengan persatuan diantara warga set

empat tanpa mempertanyakan asal muasal, bersama-sama berjuang melawan penjajahan.

Semuanya bergerak demi tujuan yang satu, bukan ’seragam’ yang sama.

Bung Tomo oleh Alex Mendur

Proklamasi kemerdekaan tidak menyebabkan para penjajah menyerah begitu saja. Mereka memperjuangkan apa yang dianggap menjadi hak miliknya. Salah satu akibatnya, terjadilah pertempuran 10 November. Singkat cerita, pertempuran ini merupakan perlawanan melawan kolonial Belanda yang menumpang tentara sekutu untuk kembali menguasai Indonesia. Entah atas nama harga diri atau memang negara ini terlalu kaya. Jelas tindakan mereka mengancam kredibilitas bangsa. Oleh karenanya, sekali lagi, pemudi-pemuda [dan rekan] berjuang mempertahankan kedaulatan. Intervensi ini berhasil membuat perbedaan pendapat mengenai status kemerdekaan Indonesia di kancah internasional, saya membaca di sebuah museum di Australia yang menyatakan Indonesia merdeka pada tahun 1949. Apapun, intervensi ini ‘menghasilkan’ perjuangan yang kemudian diperingati sebagai Hari Pahlawa nuntuk mengenang persatuan Rakyat Indonesia, setidaknya di Surabaya.

Dua puluh satu tahun setelahnya, 1966, terjadilah perlawanan terhadap otoriterisme. Sungguh disayangkan, terutama mengingat beliau termasuk tokoh pejuang kemerdekaan, pendiri dan bahkan berperan penting dalam memperkenalkan bangsa baru ini ke dunia. Saya kurang paham sebenarnya mengapa seorang pejuang yang membenci penjajahan berubah menjadi sosok yang berpotensi ‘menjajah’. Entah benar atau tidak, setidaknya begitulah yang dipersepsikan oleh pelajaran sejarah. Sungguh saya tidak mengerti alasan dibalik tindakan beliau ini, termasuk ‘kisah akhir’ kepemimpinannya yang kronologisnya tidak terlalu jelas.

Setelahnya, pembangunan terjadi secara simultan. Gedung-gedung pencakar langit nan megah hadir di kota-kota besar.Sayangnya, pembangunan ini terpusat dan tanpa sistem tata kota yang baik. Entah bagaimana, pemimpin bangsa ini terjerat hal serupa dengan pendahulunya. Penjajahan kembali muncul dalam tampilan baru. Eksistensi rakyat tidak lebih dari sekedar pion catur, tergantung pada perintah [yang merasa] grandmaster. Sejarah pun kembali terulang. Tokoh otoriter digulingkan oleh kekuatan rakyat setelah 32 tahun. Reformasi pun terjadi.

Hari ini, lebih dari 11 tahun setelah reformasi dimulai, keadaan tidak jauh berbeda. Ancaman baru pun muncul. Media massa tanpa henti memberitakan kisah epik antar institusi di negeri ini, yang semakin mendekati kisah drama. Tak sekedar disisipi kejutan dan ‘kejutan’, muncul pula panggung untuk atraksi hewan. Entah pihak mana yang harus tersinggung, sang manusia yang dianimalisasikan, atau sang hewan yang dipersonifikasikan secara negatif.

[getaran penuh duka]

Untuk ke-sekian kalinya, Indonesia menangis.

Setidaknya, 1,100 rakyat negeri ini meninggal dunia secara tragis. Belum lagi mereka yang masih tidak ditemukan, tertimbun di reruntuhan bangunan. Tidak terhitung berapa banyak kerugian yang dialami…

Dapat dibayangkan, betapa banyak yang berduka karenanya. Dengan adanya 1,100 yang meninggal dunia, setidaknya ada 2,200 orang tua yang berduka, 4,400 kakek-nenek yang berduka. Belum lagi kakak-beradik, sepupu, teman, rekan kerja, dan seterusnya. Angka tersebut sangat mungkin akan menjadi perhitungan tak berhingga.

‘Ancaman’ akan perasaan depresi pun terjadi pada para pekerja sosial yang langsung mendatangi tempat kejadian. Para pekerja ini tidak hanya dari dalam negeri, tapi juga dari luar negeri. Betapa mereka sangat rentan terhadap perasaan depresi dan tidak berdaya. Bila perhitungan tadi diteruskan, akan sampai pada sanak-saudara-rekan dari para pekerja sosial ini. Bagaimana mereka merasa cemas dan khawatir terhadap keberadaan mereka yang ingin membantu ini.

Hal yang sama juga terjadi pada para jurnalis dan reporter. Mereka datang dari berbagai tempat untuk meliput. Bagaimana, kadang, mereka harus melawan hati nurani mereka untuk tetap merekam demi kepentingan korporat dan bukannya langsung bergerak untuk membantu. Jelas, mereka juga rentan terhadap kegalauan yang dapat mengganggu kesehatan psikologis mereka.

Data yang dicantumkan pun praktis merupakan perkiraan saja. Angka 1,100 itu pun telah saya ketahui sejak dua hari lalu, dan hingga kini belum ada perubahan. Apakah itu artinya belum ada pendataan kembali? Yah tak mengapa, dapat dipahami karena memang lebih penting untuk melakukan tindakan penyelamatan. Walaupun menurut saya pendataan itu penting, karena tanpa ada pendataan, akan sangat membingungkan dalam usaha penyaluran bantuan baik tenaga seperti tenaga medis maupun materiil seperti makanan.

Angka yang disebutkan pun hanyalah mencakup korban di Padang, tidak termasuk banjir di Mandailing yang terjadi sebelumnya, atau gempa di Jambi yang terjadi sesudahnya. Terlepas dari rasa ingin tahu saya pribadi mengenai kenapa tidak ada berita yang memadai mengenai dua bencana ini, hal-hal ini menunjukkan betapa pedihnya duka bangsa ini …

Sayangnya, entah mengapa, di setiap bencana selalu ada kejadian yang menurut saya tidak pantas terjadi.

Saat ini, berdasarkan cerita dari saudara yang berada di Padang, penjarahan mulai terjadi. Memanfaatkan situasi yang praktis tidak terkendali, sistem hukum yang dapat dikatakan sedang lumpuh. Iya kalau memang yang dijarah itu adalah makanan dan minuman, bagaimana kalau itu komputer seperti yang dipertanyakan oleh seorang rekan di facebook? Entah seberapa jauh kejadian ini sudah terjadi. Memang, bisa saja hal ini sekedar gosip belaka, bisa saja hanya sekedar tiupan angin yang tidak berdasarkan fakta, atau tidak seheboh perkiraan misalnya hanya ada satu-dua orang yang melakukannya. Apapun itu, hal-hal seperti ini tentu menambah kekhawatiran. Masyarakat yang masih berada di daerah-daerah tersebut tidak hanya harus waspada terhadap gempa susulan yang mungkin terjadi, namun juga keamanan diri dan barang-barang yang mereka miliki [yang tentunya benar-benar semakin tidak seberapa itu]. Mereka tidak hanya berduka karena kehilangan sanak-saudara dan/atau rekan sejawat, tidak hanya bersedih karena kehilangan harta-benda, namun juga harus khawatir akan nasib mereka ke depannya. Tidak hanya khawatir terhadap apakah aka nada bantuan namun juga apakah mereka akan aman.

Perasaan tidak tentram ini pun tidak selesai disitu saja. Seorang pejabat MUI memberikan komentar, yang menurut saya, sungguh tidak tepat:

Namun,  musibah gempa itu juga bisa berarti peringatan karena banyaknya maksiat atau perilaku masyarakat yang bertentangan dengan ketentuan agama. Untuk itu, selain bersabar, warga Sumbar yang mengalami musibah gempa tersebut juga harus banyak memohon ampun kepada Allah SWT karena mungkin banyak melakukan kesalahan [Kompas, 01 Oktober 2009].

Terlepas dari apakah memang Tuhan menghukum manusia atau memberikan peringatan kepada manusia [karena saya hanyalah ciptaan-NYA], saya rasa adalah tidak bijak untuk menyalahkan bencana kepada para korban?!! Apakah penderitaan mereka tidak cukup?!! Apakah mereka harus lagi dibebani dengan penghakiman bahwa mereka telah berdosa berat??!!!

[financial freedom is only an imagination]

The cartoon by Michael Leunig illustrates very well about how we, humans, have tendency to focus on financial well-being. We ask it many times through many ways. We pray to ask for more money. We protest to the government to do their obligations to guarantee our welfares. We teach our descendants about how to earn much money. We nurture things for money [e.g: fishes and plants]. Many authors proclaim that they know the rules to get more money within ‘short time’. Some illegal opportunists use this as their base to lie to others through their non-existed business. Well, none of those actions is wrong, except the last one. Before we start, please note that I am also being the part of that group, I did, am doing and will do, especially the part of being a demonstrant of particular system.

Let’s talk about it a little bit further.

[thy will be done]

This time, I want to talk about how great GOD is.

The last week, I felt like being hit by a world champion boxer.  Hmph, it might not the best illustration. As after any boxer has been hit by the opponent, he/she will get unconscious. So he/she might feel numb. Meanwhile, I was not feel that way.

I was angry and feel that I’ve got discriminated. I felt miserable and almost get depressed. There were a lot of emotions that I have. At the end, those make me feel so tiny and worthless. In fact, I should use the words ‘I feel’ instead of ‘I felt’ as whenever I remember the incident, I still feel the same way only with different level. Even now.

However, I will not share the incident but will focus on the positive impacts. Well, to bear in mind the positive points is much more important to build up the motivation. In brief, the incident is about how I be treated improperly. That I felt like being discriminated. To illustrate the pain, this incident does not only make me cried or angry. It has impacted on my self-image and self-esteem. It does make me depressed. The depression has outweighed the anger.

Further, with no intention to sensationalized, I even can feel how broken my heart is. Yet, the incident was far from one’s love life. For those who learn and/or understand about psychology, I did practice the avoidance coping. I really wanted to put those things as far as I could. I really wanted to go away to other continents, to not face the incident-related-future. I really did!

I was totally notice, how hard I had to push myself, my fingers to be on the keyboard. To type. And so was the brain. I had to dictate the brain to keep on working. To be sensible. To be sane. This helps me more than I need to know [in my opinion] how it feels to be pushed on doing things that you hate, but you don’t have other options.

Thus, I really learn that there are times when people do not really have the options. Previously, I do understand about this. That life is unfair. I do understand that disadvantaged situations might not always due to the people’s faults or even laziness. But, previously, that kind of understanding was only based on my empathy and knowledge on social issues.

But now, I do more understand and have more empathy with this kind of situation. But, I wouldn’t push people too much to be persistent with what they have started but don’t like. Though I still believe that we should be responsible on what we have started, with our decisions. But I have more tolerance on those who have to put aside things that they don’t like even they have to break their promise. Yet, I am not talking about marriage.

Meantime, as I pushed myself to concentrate and be rational instead of emotional, I put rationalism as the way of coping. In fact, I use this frequently. I rationalize that I couldn’t give up as it will fulfill what the opponent wants. I couldn’t give up as I receive many supports and couldn’t fail those people who put their hopes on me. However, it is not enough. Yes, rationalism is not enough. It brings me to have doubt on myself. As I said previously, it has impacted on my self esteem. To those who know me in person, it means that the incident is a totally horrible, as I am a hard-headed who rationalize almost everything. Therefore, I commit more on religious coping.

Well, I use it frequently too, but usually in the same proportion. I usually make a good balance between rationalism and religious copings to face the problems. This time, every rational points of thinking have failed me. I couldn’t think any rational reasons behind the incident except ‘everything happens for reason’ and it relates to GOD’s will. Nothing else. I couldn’t think other explanations. Usually, although I always hold that faith consistently, I am always able to see the bigger picture, to get a sense of explanation. This time, all I can think was only GOD knows why.

Yet, I have a sense what I should learn from this incident. As I always believe that ‘nothing is a coincidence’, I am being more sensitive on noticing motivational words. In fact, those are religious coincidences.

I played a playlist of religious songs in shuffled mode. Then, the list played the songs which related with what I need, surrender to GOD’s will. When I read the daily devotion, again, they state about GOD’s will. When I opened the Bible in random, the verses talk the same thing. All of those reminds me to have more faith on GOD’s will. That, HIS shall be done and not mine. No matter how difficult or hard they are, it has written in my life, the cross of mine.

These are some verses that ‘coincidentally’ reflect on what has happened to me. How those verses and devotional article strengthen me to keep on standing. However, I would not share all of them, but some which highly related to what I have experienced.

NIV’s [New International Version] devotion on Wednesday is titled ‘walking with GOD’. It states that:

‘this personal attitude toward GOD what we call devotion to GOD. But it is always devotion in action. It is not just a warm, emotional feeling about GOD, the kind of feeling we may get while singing some grand old hymn of praise or some-modern day chorus of worship…it is an attitude toward GOD.’

It is clearly related with my situation, and so does the previous three days’ devotions. I was in the midst of uncertainty, learned helplessness.

NIV’s devotion on Friday is title ‘fools for Christ’. It states that:

‘…Sacrifice is not giving up things, but giving to God with joy the best we have…means the surrendering of the miserable sense of my own unimportance…–not, do you know what GOD is going to do? You cannot know, but you have faith in HIM and therefore HE can do what HE likes.’

It reminds me to learn to that the glory has to be His instead of mine. That I, as HIS creature, should surrender by HIS will. That being considered as a fool by others might has different intention, according to HIS.

Amongst those NIV’s devotions, the weekend is being the most encouraging for me.

‘To wait on GOD is to struggle and sometimes to fail. Sometimes the failures teach us more than the successes. For the failures teach us that to wait on GOD is not only to wait for his mercy, but to wait by his mercy…The glory hidden in our failures is the discovery that the very thing we wait for is what we wait by! The success of our waiting lies not in who we are, but in who GOD is. It is not our strength that will pull us through to the end, it is God’s amazing grace and mercy.’

I cried [again] when I read this. All that I can do with the incident is just wait. There is nothing that I can do, except to try my best and put the rest on HIM. However, I usually put my will above HIS. I realized that I have to learn more about surrendering. And in fact, that is all that I can do. To surrender.

When I randomly open the Bible with a deep breath… God really ‘talks’ to me. Amongst those verses, I opened the pages which contain Psalm 91 to Psalm 94. Psalm 91 talks about under the GOD’s protection. Psalm 92 talks about GOD, the righteousness judge. Psalm 93 talks about GOD, the eternal king. And Psalm 94 talks about GOD, the righteousness fortress. These all have boosted my emotion. Those really comforted. As far as I remember, the first chapter that I saw is Psalm 94. With a deep breath, I read it through.

‘He is my refuge and my fortress, my GOD, in whom I trust.’ [Psalm 91:2]

‘The Lod is upright; he is my Rock, and there is no wickedness in him.’ [Psalm 92:15]

‘He will repay them for their sins and destroy them for their wickedness; the Lod our GOD will destroy them.’ [Psalm 94:23]

And yesterday, I did that again. To open the Bible in random. Guess what I was leading me into? It was the page of Psalm 64 and Psalm 65. I read the Psalm 64 as somehow I sensed that way.

‘Hear me, O God, as I voice my complaint; protect my life from the threat of the enemy. Hide me from the conspiracy of the wicked, from that noisy crowd of evildoers. ’ [Psalm 64:1-2].

Not to mention the websites that I read on those days. One of it is titled ‘Learning humility: Not every flower can be a rose’. The author reminds us that each of us has our own roles. To be

A heart that is humble rests confidently in His mercy and love, and has no fear of being little or unnoticed, nor any need for adulation. He may be walking with the red rose in His hand, smelling its sweet fragrance, but He will also lie down on the grass that is covered in a bed of small wildflowers, and He will rest His head on their simple beauty, enjoying their soft comfort. I can think of nothing sweeter than to be that wild flower that’s pressed close to His heart as He lies down to rest. That is all my soul really longs for.

And yesterday, I read a daily devotion which said that ‘God often digs wells of joy with the spade of sorrow’. I think those proofs are more than enough to share. As believe it or not, the words are keep on coming. Not only from the Bible, website or other articles; but also through friends. They unpredictably said things that beyond expectation. They have pointed things that highly related although they don’t have knowledge on what had happened to me in details. Well, that’s amazing.

So, at the end, one conclusion that I have is put your life under GOD’s will is too d**n difficult. Yet, HIS understanding is beyond what we could imagine. Just hold the faith, keep it without doubt.

Last week, I felt like being hit by a world champion boxer. Hmph, it might not the best illustration. As after any boxer has been hit by the opponent, he/she will get unconscious. So he/she might feel numb. Meanwhile, I was not feel that way.

I was angry and feel that I’ve got discriminated. I felt miserable and almost get depressed. There were a lot of emotions. At the end, those make me feel so tiny and worthless. In fact, I should use the words ‘I feel’ instead of ‘I felt’ as whenever I remember the incident, I still feel the same way only with different level. Even now.

In brief, the incident is about how I be treated improperly. That I felt like being discriminated. To illustrate the pain, this incident does not only make me cried or angry. It has impacted on my self-image and self-esteem. It does make me depressed. The depression has outweighed the anger. However, I will not share the incident but will focus on what I’ve learned. Well, I’ve learned some things, but these are some of them. And to bear in mind the positive points is much more important to build up the motivation.

Further, with no intention to sensationalized, I even can feel how broken my heart is. Yet, the incident was far from one’s love life. For those who learn and/or understand about psychology, I did practice the avoidance coping. I really wanted to put those things as far as I could. I really wanted to go away to other continents, to not face the incident-related-future. I really did [and still do]!

I was totally notice, how hard I had to push myself, my fingers to be on the keyboard. To type. And so was the brain. I had to dictate the brain to keep on working. To be sensible. To be sane. This helps me more than I need to know [in my opinion] how it feels to be pushed on doing things that you hate, but you don’t have other options.

Thus, I really learn that there are times when people do not really have the options. Previously, I do understand about this. That life is unfair. I do understand that disadvantaged situations might not always due to the people’s faults or even laziness. But, previously, that kind of understanding was only based on my empathy and knowledge on social issues.

But now, I do more understand and have more empathy with this kind of situation. But, I wouldn’t push people too much to be persistent with what they have started but don’t like. Though I still believe that we should be responsible on what we have started, with our decisions. But I have more tolerance on those who have to put aside things that they don’t like even they have to break their promise. Yet, I am not talking about marriage.

Meantime, as I pushed myself to concentrate and be rational instead of emotional, I put rationalism as the way of coping. In fact, I use this frequently. I rationalize that I couldn’t give up as it will fulfill what the opponent wants. I couldn’t give up as I receive many supports and couldn’t fail those people who put their hopes on me. However, it is not enough. Yes, rationalism is not enough. It brings me to have doubt on myself. As I said previously, it has impacted on my self esteem. To those who know me in person, it means that the incident is a totally horrible, as I am a hard-headed who rationalize almost everything. Therefore, I commit more on religious coping.

Well, I use it frequently too, but usually in the same proportion. I usually make a good balance between rationalism and religious copings to face the problems. This time, every rational points of thinking have failed me. I couldn’t think any rational reasons behind the incident except ‘everything happens for reason’ and it relates to GOD’s will. Nothing else. I couldn’t think other explanations. Usually, although I always hold that faith consistently, I am always able to see the bigger picture, to get a sense of explanation. This time, all I can think was only GOD knows why.

[kegilaan secara sadar]

Dalam satu bulan terakhir ini topik mengenai betapa masokis-nya orang-orang seperti saya muncul kembali. Konteks masokis disini adalah intelektual masokis. Apakah itu? Selengkapnya dapat dibaca di tulisan saya sebelumnya “intellectual-masochist”.

Sekilas kisahnya adalah, saya merasa telah menyusahkan diri sendiri. Menempuh pendidikan tingkat tinggi bukanlah suatu kewajiban bagi saya. Tidak pernah ada suatu kejadian yang mencetuskan bahwa S2 adalah wajib hukumnya. Tidak seperti beberapa rekan yang memang harus menempuh jalur tersebut demi karier di masa depan. Sementara, beberapa rekan, termasuk saya, jenjang S2 benar-benar suatu pilihan pribadi.

Mereka yang memilih dengan penuh kesadaran dan kebebasan ini bahkan mengambil risiko. Hal ini terkait dengan status pekerjaan. Saya misalnya. Pilihan ini diambil tanpa ada sponsor perusahaan atau organisasi apapun, kecuali tentunya penyandang dana. Di satu sisi, adalah hal yang menyenangkan karena tidak terikat kontrak dengan pihak mana pun. Bebas untuk memilih dan menentukan “jalan”. Namun di sisi lain, ketika persaingan untuk berkarya semakin padat, maka hal ini menjadi titik lemah. Menjelang akhir “perjuangan”, kecemasan ini semakin terasa seiring dengan pertanyaan-pertanyaan yang muncul.

Pertanyaan, apa rencana setelah lulus atau mau bekerja dimana setelah lulus semakin gencar ditanyakan. Dan pertanyaan serupa tapi tak sama itu dijawab dengan jawaban yang sejenis pula. Kisarannya tidak akan jauh dari “lihat nanti”, “tergantung siapa yang mau menampung” hingga “tau nih, pusing juga”. Jawaban tersebut akan diakhiri dengan pernyataan serupa: “jangan lupa informasinya ya”. Tidak ada kejelasan kemana hidup ini akan mengalir setelah fase pendidikan ini berakhir.